The Day I Didn’t Yawn

I have struggled with hair loss for the past several years and in combination with my food allergies, I was searching for a way to get more vitamins, minerals and amino acids to achieve optimum health, hair included.  So when this super nice lady came into my work the other day and started touting a product called Miracle 2000, I decided to check it out at the local hippie health food/vitamin store in my town.  Even the girl at the store was raving about this product so I was sold.  I vaguely recall the original Miracle 2000 pusher from work mentioning an energy boost benefit, but it was not the primary focus of our conversation. Well, what happened after I took Miracle 2000 had everything to do with this supposed energy boost and it was ugly.

So you know how you get something new and you get all excited so you want to try it out immediately?  I took a shot of Miracle 2000 on Wednesday 6 p.m. Eastern Time.  Then I drank a coffee.  Late for coffee consumption but I can usually still fall asleep by midnight even if I commit such a caffeine crime.  My usual bedtime maxes out at 10:15 p.m. TOPS on a regular day, so I became moderately concerned at 10:45 when I still didn’t feel sleepy.  I chalked it up to the late evening coffee, did some Pinteresting and then around 11:30 told myself if I just laid down in bed I’d be sure to fall asleep.  It didn’t happen.  I didn’t even yawn, okay?  Not a single indication I would ever fall asleep, just alertness and frustration as I looked over at Tommy sleeping like a log while I was suffering.  I don’t know about you guys, but often the most frustrating thing about insomnia is seeing someone else able to sleep while you just lay there getting more and more anxious about the impending doom of having to wake up for work not having rested.  So just laying there next to stupid Tommy and stupid Fran peacefully slumbering away was getting my blood pressure up, so I went out the the living room.  I tried reading: nothing.  I tried ASMR videos: nothing. I tried just laying there with my eyes closed: nothing.  I did not ever fall asleep that night, not for one hour, not for one minute.  I know I’ve said this already, but not once did I even YAWN.  So thirty minutes before my alarm went off, I got up and started breakfast.  I was dreading when the crash would come, as it usually will do a few minutes before work, when it’s too late to get any rest.  It never came.

So at this point it my timeline, I was still not considering Miracle 2000 as the culprit of my sleepless night.  I simply figured it was that late evening coffee and chastised myself for being so careless about my caffeine consumption because lets face it, when you are 31, you can’t just drink coffee willy nilly and just fall asleep like you did at 21.  So I took a shot of Miracle 2000 and started cleaning my house like I just took speed or cocaine or something.  Then it finally dawned on my that the lady had mentioned an energy boost from the product!  Well, I figured, at least taking it again could prevent the inevitable crash later, right?

I went to work with low expectations of order bagging accuracy and high expectation of exhaustion.  It never happened.  Miracle 2000 is like taking health food store cocaine.  I talked even more than usual (sorry coworkers) and made no mistakes on bagging orders.  And I multitasked like a champion.  I cashed customers out while taking orders over the phone then ran out water refills to my table and never forgot a side of ranch.  I was a highly functioning crackhead.  And I never yawned once.  After work, the crash still didn’t come so I gossiped on the phone and put on my DVRed episode of Younger to watch.  I guess when you are on crack, the crash comes unexpectedly because the next thing I remember was waking up to Fran on my pillow scratching herself violently and the bouncing of my pillow aroused my from a pretty deep sleep.  While not entirely thrilled I had taken a late afternoon nap, I was however, thankful that I would sleep again and that Miracle 2000 had indeed not turned me into some kind of health food tweeker that never slept and drove herself to a sleepless insanity.

Moral of this story, everyone.  I don’t know if Miracle 2000 is going to bring me to optimum health and help restore my hair loss.  I do know I will continue to take it daily but will only do so in the morning so it’s crack cocaine effects will have a chance to wear off and I will be able to sleep…and yawn…and blink at bedtime.  I imagine it must be a good product if it can produce an entirely sleepless night AND productive following day at the office.  I’ll keep you posted if I do notice any other benefits.

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