My Amazon Addiction and the Subsequent Ordering Ban Imposed by Ruthless Husband

Something inside you changes once you start shopping on Amazon.  You can find such a vast array of items there, it gives you confidence that if you can dream up an item or a project, you can and YOU WILL find what you are looking for if you search Amazon.  Along with the confidence, comes the loyalty.  If you see an item in a regular store or website, you think to yourself, before you purchase it:  ‘I bet Amazon has it cheaper’, so you check and most of the time, you will succeed.  Now you basically just refuse to pay more than $9.99 for anything.  When your ordering becomes more regular, you decide an Amazon Prime membership will pay for itself.  So pretty soon you start getting packages everyday.  If you come home from work and theres no package, you become alarmed about package theft in your neighborhood.  And the first time a white van pulls up on a Sunday with a package?  A fucking SUNDAY???!!!  Well, baby, then you are hooked, officially an addict.  But with all this euphoria and “money saving” there comes a price.  Heres MY Amazon turns bad story and how it led to a household Amazon ordering ban….I was talking to a regular customer a few days ago, he was telling me how he just got engaged and was now in that scary place for husbands to be: the wedding planning phase.  I told him to just relax, that this was all normal for wedding banter to dictate his whole life for the time being.  But it would pass and then boom, it would all be over and he would just be married.  Just as soon as these reassuring words left my mouth, I attempted to get into my Amazon account to add new items to my cart.  Password wouldn’t work.  Hmm, I thought, that’s funny, I haven’t changed my password, why isn’t it working?  I need to be able to access my account so I can purchase MORE ASIAN GOODS!!! Then my customer interrupted my momentary panic and asked me how married life has been so far, now that things have calmed down.  That’s when it came back to me…  The Amazon bill arriving in the mailbox a few days ago, our first statement… Tommy,  interrogating me on whether we had an Autopay set up for the account.  Me, ripping open the envelope to reveal the $500 balance… us simultaneously crying out “Wow! $500!”  But our statements, though identical, carried much different meanings.  Me? I was relieved:  I had assumed it was far beyond that dollar amount; Tommy, blood-raged that I had purchased that many dollars worth of things.  That’s when it clicked:  Tommy changed the password!!!  “Let me tell you something about married life, Zack!”  I said.  “Married life is when your husband changes your GODDAMN Amazon password in a pathetic attempt to get you to stop ordering rock-bottomed priced goods from China, THAT’S what married life is Zack!”  After that, my statements were probably a bit more irrational judging from Zack’s facial expressions, I honestly don’t remember all that was said.  Anyways, I came home from work that evening and told Tommy I was on to his little scheme and changed my password back.  To this he responded, “That’s fine, put all the shit you want in your cart, but you are still on an Amazon order ban.”  So my shopping cart remains full, floating around in the world wide web with no purpose, waiting for me to bring it back to life with a few Place my Order clicks to lighten it’s load.  My cart is full and my heart is empty until the dreadful Amazon ban gets lifted.

Tell me about your shopping addiction, Amazon or other, or what terrible thing your husband did to squash YOUR dreams…

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